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that flows from them.
Spouse Centeredness. Marriage can be the most intimate, the most satisfying, the most enduring,
growth-producing of human relationships. It might seem natural and proper to be centered on one's
husband or wife.
But experience and observation tell a different story. Over the years, I have been involved in
working with many troubled marriages, and I have observed a certain thread weaving itself through
almost every spouse-centered relationship I have encountered. That thread is strong emotional
dependence.
If our sense of emotional worth comes primarily from our marriage, then we become highly
dependent upon that relationship. We become vulnerable to the moods and feelings, the behavior and
treatment of our spouse, or to any external event that may impinge on the relationship -- a new child,
in-laws, economic setbacks, social successes, and so forth.
When responsibilities increase and stresses come in the marriage, we tend to revert to the scripts we
THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart
were given as we were growing up. But so does our spouse. And those scripts are usually different.
Different ways of handling financial, child-discipline, or in-law issues come to the surface. When these
deep-seated tendencies combine with the emotional dependency in the marriage, the spouse-centered
relationship reveals all its vulnerability.
When we are dependent on the person with whom we are in conflict, both need and conflict are
compounded. Love-hate overreactions, fight-or-flight tendencies, withdrawal, aggressiveness,
bitterness, resentment, and cold competition are some of the usual results. When these occur, we tend
to fall even further back on background tendencies and habits in an effort to justify and defend our own
behavior and we attack our spouse's.
Inevitably, anytime we are too vulnerable we feel the need to protect ourselves from further wounds.
So we resort to sarcasm, cutting humor, criticism -- anything that will keep from exposing the
tenderness within. Each partner tends to wait on the initiative of the other for love, only to be
disappointed but also confirmed as to the rightness of the accusations made.
There is only phantom security in such a relationship when all appears to be going well. Guidance
is based on the emotion of the moment. Wisdom and power are lost in the counterdependent negative
interactions.
Family Centeredness. Another common center is the family. This, too, may seem to be natural
and proper. As an area of focus and deep investment, it provides great opportunities for deep
relationships, for loving, for sharing, for much that makes life worthwhile. But as a center, it ironically
destroys the very elements necessary to family success.
People who are family-centered get their sense of security or personal worth from the family
tradition and culture or the family reputation. Thus, they become vulnerable to any changes in that
tradition or culture and to any influences that would affect that reputation.
Family-centered parents do not have the emotional freedom, the power, to raise their children with
their ultimate welfare truly in mind. If they derive their own security from the family, their need to be
popular with their children may override the importance of a long-term investment in their children's
growth and development. Or they may be focused on the proper and correct behavior of the moment.
Any behavior that they consider improper threatens their security. They become upset, guided by the
emotions of the moment, spontaneously reacting to the immediate concern rather than the long-term
growth and development of the child. They may overreact and punish out of bad temper. They tend
to love their children conditionally, making them emotionally dependent or counterdependent and
rebellious.
Money Centeredness. Another logical and extremely common center to people's lives is making
money. Economic security is basic to one's opportunity to do much in any other dimension. In a
hierarchy or continuum of needs, physical survival and financial security comes first. Other needs are
not even activated until that basic need is satisfied, at least minimally.
Most of us face economic worries. Many forces in the wider culture can and do act upon our
economic situation, causing or threatening such disruption that we often experience concern and worry
that may not always rise to the conscious surface.
Sometimes there are apparently noble reasons given for making money, such as the desire to take
care of one's family. And these things are important. But to focus on money-making as a center will
bring about its own undoing.
Consider again the four life-support factors -- security, guidance, wisdom, and power. Suppose I
derive much of my security from my employment or from my income or net worth. Since many
factors affect these economic foundations, I become anxious and uneasy, protective and defensive,
about anything that may affect them. When my sense of personal worth comes from my net worth, I
am vulnerable to anything that will affect that net worth. But work and money, per se, provide no
wisdom, no guidance, and only a limited degree of power and security. All it takes to show the
THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart
limitations of a money center is a crisis in my life or in the life of a loved one.
Money-centered people often put aside family or other priorities, assuming everyone will
understand that economic demands come first. I know one father who was leaving with his children
for a promised trip to the circus when a phone call came for him to come to work instead. He declined.
When his wife suggested that perhaps he should have gone to work, he responded, "The work will
come again, but childhood won't." For the rest of their lives his children remembered this little act of
priority setting, not only as an object lesson in their minds but as an expression of love in their hearts.
Work Centeredness. Work-centered people may become "workaholics," driving themselves to
produce at the sacrifice of health, relationships, and other important areas of their lives. Their
fundamental identity comes from their work -- "I'm a doctor," "I'm a writer," "I'm an actor."
Because their identity and sense of self-worth are wrapped up in their work, their security is
vulnerable to anything that happens to prevent them from continuing in it. Their guidance is a
function of the demands of the work. Their wisdom and power come in the limited areas of their work,
rendering them ineffective in other areas of life.
Possession Centeredness. A driving force of many people is possessions -- not only tangible,
material possessions such as fashionable clothes, homes, cars, boats, and jewelry, but also the intangible
possessions of fame, glory, or social prominence. Most of us are aware, through our own experience,
how singularly flawed such a center is, simply because it can vanish rapidly and it is influenced by so
many forces.
If my sense of security lies in my reputation or in the things I have, my life will be in a constant state
of threat and jeopardy that these possessions may be lost or stolen or devalued. If I'm in the presence
of someone of greater net worth or fame or status, I feel inferior. If I'm in the presence of someone of
lesser net worth or fame or status, I feel superior. My sense of self-worth constantly fluctuates. I
don't have any sense of constancy or anchorage or persistent selfhood. I am constantly trying to
protect and insure my assets, properties, securities, position, or reputation. We have all heard stories [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]